


Into the Flood

by bi_hargrove



Series: Ride or Die [2]
Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Best Friends, Eventual Romance, F/M, Friends to Lovers, POV Second Person, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 16:03:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15076727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bi_hargrove/pseuds/bi_hargrove
Summary: in which sweet pea and his best friend still have heart eyes for each other and are still idiots





	Into the Flood

your eyes slowly crossed as you stared at the computer screen in front of you. for the past two hours, you had been cooped up in the riverdale high library, doing last minute review for the calculus final that you had to take the next day. or rather, you were panicking with the practice exam open on the computer in front of you. 

 

“calculus can kiss my ass,” you muttered under your breath before you face planted into the computer’s keyboard. 

 

“looks like you’re working really hard.”

 

you let out a long and loud groan. “i hate calculus. i need to have a chat with whoever came up with it so i can explain to them, in great detail, how much calculus fucking blows,” you grumbled. 

 

sweet pea chuckled as he plopped down into the seat next to you. 

 

“ah, yes, please continue to laugh at my pain,” you quipped as you finally lifted your head from the keyboard to shoot him a dirty look. “i didn’t laugh at you when you punched a hole in the wall because you hate jane eyre.” 

 

“don’t even say that name around me,” he grumbled. 

 

“then don’t laugh at me.” you stuck your tongue out at him, then turned your attention back to the computer. “you know that my brain wasn’t made for math and science. that’s your thing.”

 

that was an understatement. sweet pea was a whiz when it came to the more technical fields of study. a lot of people just assumed that he was a big, idiotic lug who barely knew how to add 2+2, since he was a member of the southside serpents. the serpents still did not have the best reputation around riverdale. it had improved some since nearly two years ago, when southside and northside high combined, but a lot of the northside of riverdale still thought poorly of the southside. 

 

but since the transfer to riverdale high, sweet pea was able to reach his fullest potential. he finally had the equipment to prove just how smart he was; equipment that southside high had been sorely lacking. 

 

“yeah, i am kind of a genius when it comes to those things, aren’t i?” he teased.

 

you leveled him with an unamused look. “did you just come here to gloat?” you asked.

 

“actually...” sweet pea reached into his backpack and pulled out a to-go bag from pop’s. “i brought provisions; a milkshake, fries, and me.”

 

he slid a foam to-go cup in front of you, then passed you the to-go bag. 

 

“you’re a prince, sweets,” you sighed as you shoved a handful of fries into your mouth. “this is  _ exactly  _ what i needed.”

 

“and you were ready to rip my head off two seconds ago.”

 

you reached over and lightly shoved his shoulder. “don’t make me regret what i just said,” you grumbled. 

 

sweet pea shoved you back before he leaned over your shoulder to look at the problem that you had been struggling with before he arrived. 

 

“i see where you’re going wrong,” he said, pointing to something in the middle of the work that you had written down. “you’re mixing up two parts of the formula. have you been doing it that way the whole time?”

 

you nodded your head as you took a sip of your milkshake.

 

“y/n, i told you about that a week ago,” he mumbled distractedly as he flipped through your calculus notebook. “see, look.”

 

he pointed at a note that he had scribbled in your notebook during your tutoring session last wednesday. you leaned in to glance at the note that he had written down. 

 

“i told you my brain wasn’t meant for this stuff!” you whined as you face planted into the computer keyboard again. “fuck calculus.”

 

\----

after another two hours spent going over calculus formulas and practice problems with sweet pea, your brain was pretty much fried. you felt like you had a better understanding of what to do, compared to when you first started studying, but with the way things were going, you very well could forget all that sweet pea taught you by the time you went to take the exam. you were too exhausted to care. 

 

“i have to go to the wyrm. fangs wants me to be his partner in a game of pool against some new recruit. apparently, the guy keeps bragging about how he’s the best player around and fangs decided to defend my honor for me,” sweet pea explained, sounding less than thrilled that his best friend decided to do that for him. “do you want to tag along or do you want me to drop you at home?”

 

“depends. is toni working?” you asked as you shoved open the double doors that led to the school’s parking lot. 

 

sweet pea nodded his head.

 

“okay, then i’ll come with you,” you decided. “i feel like i haven’t seen her in forever. i miss her.”

 

sweet pea lifted the seat of his motorcycle to stow away his backpack and to retrieve your helmets. you opted to keep your backpack, and quickly secured your helmet onto your head before climbing onto the bike. 

 

“she was asking about you the other day,” sweet pea informed you as he started up the engine. “said she has something to talk to you about.”

 

you had a pretty good idea of what that “something” was. after you confessed to toni that you loved sweet pea, she had made it her mission to convince you to tell him how you felt. the two of you got into heated discussions about it at least three times a week. 

 

you sighed quietly as you looped your arms around sweet pea. now you kind of regretted your decision to join him at the whyte wyrm. you were tired and you really did not feel like getting into it with toni over the whole sweet pea situation.

 

but you had been truthful when you said that you missed her. even though your relationship had become strained over the past few weeks, toni was a really good friend of yours. you had known her for almost as long as you had known sweet pea and you considered her the sister that you had always wanted. 

 

so you decided to just suck it up and go to the wyrm. hopefully, you were wrong about what you suspected she wanted to talk to you about. 

 

but as soon as sweet pea threw open the heavy door to the bar, alerting everyone of your entrance, and toni’s eyes landed on you, you knew that you hadn’t been wrong. 

 

with a quirked brow and a quick flick of her index finger, toni summoned you to the bar. 

 

“go kick some ass, pea,” you cheered and gave his arm a squeeze before you moved through the crowd to go over to toni. 

 

“hey, t,” you greeted with a tight smile. “how’re you?”

 

she leveled you with an intense stare as she prepared a drink for one of the serpents sitting at the bar. her eyes did not leave yours as she slid the glass down the bar to its owner. had you not been so uneasy by the way she was looking at you, you would have been seriously impressed. 

 

“so, i heard something pretty interesting from a certain someone,” toni began, her voice possessing a sickeningly sweet quality that scared you a little. “he thinks that he loves you. apparently a conversation that you two had after prom made him realize that.”

 

your eyes widened in shock. as far as you knew, sweet pea had never outright said that he loved you before. fangs had told you that the most sweet pea had admitted to was feeling as though you guys had something more than just a friendship between you. never had he said the “l” word. 

 

“are you serious-” you gasped, only to stop short when toni narrowed her eyes at you. 

 

“oh, that’s not the most interesting part,” she barked. “he came to this realization, but he feels like shit because he doesn’t think that you could ever feel the same way about him. which is crazy because we both know that you do. so, i’m not understanding why you  _ still  _ haven’t told him how you feel.”

 

“it’s complicated, t-”

 

toni’s eyes turned to little slits as she gave you the scariest look that you had ever seen. and that was a  _ huge  _ feat, considering the fact that your best friend’s resting face was so frightening that it once made a grown man cry.

 

“it’s really not that complicated, y/n.  _ you’re  _ making it complicated,” she informed you. “and there’s literally no reason for you to be doing that. you love him. he loves you. just go for it.”

 

you groaned loudly as you laid your head down on the bar. “i  _ can’t.  _ what if we try to date and something awful happens and we never talk again?” you asked. 

 

toni’s face softened as you finally confessed why you were reluctant to make a move. you had never told her about the worries that had been plaguing you since it dawned on you that you liked sweet pea as more than a friend. 

 

“that would never happen,” toni assured you and took your hand in hers. “he cares about you  _ so  _ much and would literally go to the ends of the earth for you. and you know how loyal he is; he would never  _ ever  _ cut you off like that.”

 

“yeah, y/n, SP is crazy about you! once he makes you his old lady, he’s never lettin’ you go,” one of the older serpents, named jerry, chimed in from his stool a couple down from where you were sitting.

 

you turned your attention to the burly man and shot him a confused look. “how do you even know who we’re talking about?” you asked.

 

he laughed and got up from his stool. as he walked by you, he clapped his hand on your shoulder. “everyone in this whole bar knows who you’re talking about. you and Pea aren’t as slick as you think you are,” he told you. 

 

a few other serpents at the bar mumbled in agreement or raised their glasses to that statement. 

 

“does  _ everyone  _ know that me and sweets are in love with each other?” you asked hysterically. 

 

“pretty much,” toni chuckled. 

 

you groaned again and buried your face in your hands. “this is so embarrassing,” you mumbled. 

 

“it’s not that bad,” toni tried to assure you; the operative word being  _ tried.  _ “c’mon, y/n, just tell him. go over right now and be like ‘sweets, i’m in love with you and i have been forever.’ he’d probably literally jump for joy. which is something that i’d like to see, so that’s even more of a reason to do it.”

 

you considered what toni suggested. apparently, it was no secret that you and sweet pea were crazy about each other. the risk of putting your feelings out in the open had lowered significantly now that you were sure that sweet pea felt the same way about you that you felt about him. and toni was right; sweet pea was  _ extremely  _ loyal, so he wouldn’t ditch you if something went wrong in your relationship. that just wasn’t in his nature. the more you thought about it, the more sense it made to tell him. 

 

“you know what, i’m gonna do it,” you announced, standing up from your seat. “i’m gonna tell him! t, please give me a shot of the strongest thing you’ve got back there. i need liquid courage.”

 

toni saluted you before pulling a bottle down from the highest shelf behind the bar. she poured you a shot and plunked it down in front of you. 

 

you knocked it back and cringed only a little bit at the burn it left in your throat. “alright, here i go,” you sputtered. 

 

“you’ve got this!” toni assured you and gave you a huge thumbs up. 

 

you strode over to the pool table, feeling as confident as could be. this was going to be great; you were finally going to tell sweet pea how you felt about him. 

 

“hey, sweets,” you called as you got closer to the small group that was gathered around the pool table. 

 

you couldn’t believe that you were about to tell sweet pea that you loved him. you were really about to throw caution to the wind and just lay everything out on the line. 

 

sweet pea turned around at the sound of your voice. the scowl on his face immediately softened to a smile when he saw you coming toward him. your eyes met his and your heart dropped to your asshole. 

 

what the  _ fuck  _ did you think you were doing? 

 

you couldn’t tell him that you loved him. you couldn’t tell him that in his arms was your favorite place to be. you couldn’t tell him that you loved watching him sleep because his face softened as he relaxed completely, and he looked like the boy who used to pick flowers from the edge of southside elementary’s rundown playground and stick them in your hair. you couldn’t tell him that you thought that he deserved the very best of what life had to offer because you knew that under his tough guy persona was a boy who just wanted his shitty dad to tell him  _ once _ that he was proud of him. and you  _ definitely  _ couldn’t tell him that his smile made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 

 

your eyes widened to the size of saucers and you turned on your heel, scurrying back to the bar without saying another word to sweet pea. 

 

toni shook her head slowly as she stared at you with a look of complete disappointment on her face. 

 

“don’t say a word,” you muttered as you face planted the bar. 

 

\---- 

 

“i’m bored,” sweet pea whined loudly. “how much longer until you’re done?”

 

you rolled your eyes as you resisted the urge to sigh. “i don’t really know. i have to finish going over these flashcards a few more times,” you mumbled distractedly as you shuffled through the pile in front of you.

 

“you’ve already read them four times each since i got here. if i knew i was going to slowly die of boredom when you invited me over, i would have said no.”

 

you turned in your desk chair to glare at your whiny best friend. he stared back at you with a blank look on his face as he tossed your beloved mr. moo up in the air repeatedly. you narrowed your eyes into tiny slits in an attempt to scare him into not being such a pain in your ass. he sighed loudly in response.

 

“okay, first of all, put mr. moo down right now,” you grumbled, admitting defeat in your stare down against sweet pea. “and i told you to come over at seven because i knew that i had some studying to finish up. it’s not  _ my  _ fault that you decided to show up two hours early.”

 

“i was bored and i figured you wouldn’t mind if i came over early,” sweet pea explained as he set mr. moo down gently beside him on your bed. “but i guess you do because you’re trying to  _ kill  _ me by boring me to death with history flashcards.”

 

he flopped back onto your bed in such an overdramatic fashion that all you could do in response was to roll your eyes as you turned back around in your chair. you picked back up where you left off with your studies, and you were able to get through a grand total of four flashcards before sweet pea started complaining again.

 

“seriously, y/n, how many times are you going to reread those stupid flashcards?” he asked, breaking your concentration. “you already know everything on every single one of them.”

 

“i just want to make sure i’m prepared for my final,” you said.

 

“why is russia considered a european country, even though only about 25% of the country is located in europe?”

“because over 75% of russia’s population lives in the portion located in europe.”

 

“what is the smallest country in the world and how big is it?”

 

“vatican city and it’s only 0.44 square kilometers.”

 

sweet pea came up behind you. you felt the hairs on your neck stand up on end when his arm brushed up against you as he reached for your laptop.

 

“i think you’re more than prepared for your final,” he assured you as he returned to your bed. “make the popcorn and i’ll get the office queued up.”

 

you couldn’t even argue with him; you knew that you were ready for your exam. in fact, you were going to kick major ass when you took it. 

 

you had been using studying as a stalling tactic. 

 

you and sweet pea had participated in hundreds of movie and tv show marathons before. the summer before your junior year, the two of you spent all of your free time cooped up in your room binge watching dexter. one weekend, after a particularly rough patch for you, sweet pea surprised you with an uninterrupted viewing of all eight of the harry potter movies. the two of you spent an embarrassing amount of time cuddled up together, staring at a tv or laptop screen. 

 

but since you nearly confessed your feelings to him the other day, you had been feeling on edge around sweet pea. whenever the two of you hung out, you could feel the tension hanging over you. stolen glances, nervous laughter, and long, awkward silences were now a big part of your interactions, and you hated it. you just wanted things to go back to the way they were before. 

 

unfortunately, you weren’t sure if that was going to be possible without you telling him how you felt. 

 

in a last ditch effort to return things to normal without putting your feelings out there, you invited him over for a binge watching session. if a six hour marathon of the office couldn’t fix things, nothing could. 

 

after you ran to the kitchen to make a bag of microwave popcorn, you crawled back into your bed next to sweet pea. you tried to snuggle into his side, like you usually did whenever the two of you watched tv together, but you just couldn’t get comfortable. every time you tried to cuddle into him or he wrapped his arm around you, you felt as though your heart was going to jump right out of your chest.

 

as you watched the office crew go through the dundies ceremony at a chilli’s restaurant, you subtly put a few inches between you and sweet pea. 

 

or, you  _ thought  _ you were being subtle.

 

sweet pea reached over to hit the pause button. “why are you fidgeting so much?” he asked.

 

“i’m not,” you fibbed as you scooted a teeny bit farther away from him. “just trying to get comfortable is all.”

 

he stared at you, suspicion written on his face. you knew that he didn’t believe you, but fortunately, he didn’t push the issue. he unpaused the show and turned his focus back to the screen.

 

a few minutes passed before he tried to put his arm around you again. when you saw him reaching for you, you moved away. but you failed to notice that you were extremely close to the edge of the bed, and next thing you knew, you were sprawled out on your bedroom floor.

 

“y/n, what the hell?” sweet pea grumbled as he peered down at you with a bewildered look on his face. “what is your problem?”

 

you groaned loudly as you buried your face in your hands. you hated that you just couldn’t seem to act like a normal person around sweet pea anymore. you had turned into a flailing nervous wreck who freaked out at the simplest of touches from him. it was so out of character for you to be this bent out of shape over a  _ boy _ , even if the boy was as great of a boy as sweet pea. you weren’t acting like yourself anymore and you couldn’t stand it. 

 

“sweet pea, i think i need to be alone,” you said quietly. “could you please leave?”

 

“wait...what?” sweet pea was out of your bed and by your side in a flash. “y/n, what’s wrong?”

 

you shook your head as you shrugged his hand off of your shoulder. “i don’t want to talk about it. i just want to be alone,” you mumbled. 

 

“oh great, so you’re back to this shit again,” sweet pea muttered as he stood up. 

 

“what’s that supposed to mean?” you asked, your head snapping up to glare at him. “i’m allowed to want to be alone.”

 

he scoffed at you as he snatched his jacket up from the back of your desk chair, where he had tossed it when he first got to your place. his face hardened into a scowl and he returned your glare. 

 

“you know, the possibility of you losing me isn’t because of me,” he said, his tone biting. “if you keep pushing me away, what do you think is going to happen?”

 

“i’m not pushing you away-” you tried to argue, but sweet pea cut you off. 

 

“don’t mistake my loyalty for desperation, y/n,” he warned you. “i’m not gonna stick around and let you lie to me and keep secrets from me just because you can’t get your thoughts and feelings straight. i may be in deep, but i’m not a sucker.”

 

he stomped out of your room and a few moments later, you heard the front door of your home slam shut. 

 

you stared ahead blankly as you tried to process what had just happened. and once you did, you burst into tears. 

 

sweet pea knew that you loved him, he loved you back, and you may have just majorly fucked everything up. 

 

\----

 

you experienced an odd feeling in your gut as you walked down the front steps of riverdale high for what would probably be the last time for a very long time. on the one hand, you were ecstatic to finally be a high school graduate. there were some times where you weren’t sure if you were going to make it to this day. but also, you knew that you were going to miss being a student at this school. sure, you hated it when you first arrived, but it really did grow on you as time passed. 

 

once you made it to the bottom step, you turned to face the school. you watched as your fellow classmates burst through the doors, chattering excitedly about the graduation ceremony that had just ended. you didn’t think you were going to feel so emotional about being finished high school, but here you were, with tears in your eyes. 

 

“y/n!”

 

you whipped around to see your mom coming toward you with a huge bouquet of flowers in her arms. hopping down from the last step, you made your way over to her. 

 

“i’m so proud of you, sweetie!” she gushed as she handed the flowers off to you. “i can’t believe we made it to this day! you’re officially done high school.”

 

“thanks, mom,” you said as you examined the flowers in your arms. 

 

she took you into her arms and squeezed you tightly. “i can’t believe you’re going to be leaving to go to college in a few months. oh, i’m just so proud of you! my baby is about to be a college girl,” she chattered.

 

she patted you a few times on your cheek before she released her hold on you. “are you ready to go home?” she asked.

 

“yeah, i need to take these shoes off,” you sighed, looking down at the five inch heels that you had stupidly thought would be a good idea for a graduation ceremony. “they’re killing my feet.”

 

your mom chuckled. “i told you they wouldn’t be comfortable.”

 

you rolled your eyes and followed behind her as she headed toward the parking lot. she made it only a few feet before she stopped in her tracks, causing you to bump into her.

 

“there’s pea,” she announced as she pointed to the far end of the parking lot. “huh, he’s with ben. i’m surprised he showed up.”

 

you followed the direction of her finger and when your eyes landed on sweet pea, your heart rate sped up. you looked on as his dad spoke to him, and from the looks of things, it was not a pleasant conversation. sweet pea was staring off in the distance as his dad wagged his finger at him and waved his arms around a lot. you could also see sweet pea’s grandmother standing a few feet away from the two men. the annoyed look on her face confirmed your suspicion that whatever sweet pea’s dad was saying to him wasn’t anything nice. 

 

sweet pea’s only living grandparent was his mom’s mother. he lived with her in a trailer at sunnyside trailer park, and had been ever since his mom first got sick. his grandmother had raised him as though he was her son, and she loved him so much, so needless to say, she couldn’t stand his father. on more than one occasion, you had been present when she went off on a long-winded rant in khmer about how much of a piece of shit ben was. sweet pea was always more than happy to translate her harsh statements for you because you knew that he agreed with her. hell,  _ you  _ agreed with her.

 

benjamin walsh was never going to win any father or husband of the year awards. as soon as sweet pea’s mom became sick, ben booked it out of town, leaving sweet pea with his grandmother. apparently, he had claimed that it was too hard for him to see his wife in such a sick state, but you called bullshit. he was just a cowardly bastard who decided that he didn’t want to be there for his wife and son when they needed him most. he wasn’t that great of a father to begin with, so it wasn’t exactly a shock to anyone that he wasn’t around when his son really needed him to be. sweet pea tried to play it off like it didn’t bother him that his dad did that to him, but you knew that it had hurt him a lot. 

 

ben had been in and out of his son’s life ever since. unfortunately, whenever he chose to be in it, he was awful to sweet pea. he was full of criticism and complaints that he thinly veiled as “advice.”  

 

you had wanted to tell ben to go to hell for years, but sweet pea always talked you down. even though his father was awful to him, he just couldn’t cut him out of his life completely. you understood where he was coming from, seeing as you knew you would feel the same way if your father ever returned into your life, but it killed you to see how much of a negative effect ben had on sweet pea. sweet pea always carried himself in a very confident manner, but you knew that his father had done a number on his self-esteem. he had doubts about if he was strong enough, smart enough, and enough of a man because his father always told him that he wasn’t.   

 

basically, benjamin walsh was a piece of shit and you wanted to bash his face in.

 

“you should go congratulate pea,” your mom suggested, nudging you forward.

 

you hadn’t had any contact with sweet pea since your fight, other than the text that he sent the sunday night after, telling you that he wouldn’t be coming to pick you up before school the following day. you had to ask your mom to drop you off at school on her way to work, alerting her that something was going on between you and sweet pea. that evening, once she came home from work, she demanded that you spill the details, and you told her everything. 

 

she wasn’t the only one to notice that things had changed between you and sweet pea. everyone in town was so used to seeing the two of you together, that you had gotten many strange looks as you went through your normal day to day routine without sweet pea by your side. even veronica lodge had pulled you aside the other day after history class to ask you what was going on with you and sweet pea. you hadn’t even realized that she was aware of who you were, let alone that you and sweet pea were practically attached at the hip. 

 

“i don’t think that’s such a good idea,” you said as you tried to wiggle out of her grip. “he probably still doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

 

she sighed as she leveled you with her trademark disappointed mom stare. “i think you two have dragged this fight out long enough,” she told you. “you’re willing to throw away twelve years of friendship over this? and you’re willing to miss out on what could possibly be a really great relationship because you won’t tell him how you feel about him?”

 

“mom, it’s not that simple.”

 

she stared at you for what felt like an eternity before she sighed again. “fine. i’m going over there to congratulate him. you can go wait in the car if you want.”

 

she handed you her keys and you walked as quickly as your heels would carry you to the car. from the rearview mirror, you watched as she walked over to sweet pea and his family. ben tried to engage in a conversation with her, but she blew him off, and instead turned her attention to sweet pea. she gave him a hug and said a few words to him. he said something back, an unsure look on his face, to which she replied with a wave of her hand and another hug. she hugged his grandmother as well, then snubbed ben again, before she headed your way.

 

“grandma chanlina says hello,” she told you as she got into the car.

 

the drive back to your house was silent. the look on your mom’s face was hard to read. you couldn’t tell if she was mad at you for refusing to talk to sweet pea or not. you really hoped not, because you weren’t sure if you could take another person being mad at you. 

 

when you got back to the house, you hurried out of the car and up to your room. you  _ had  _ to get those torture devices off of your feet. you changed out of the dress that you had worn for the graduation ceremony and into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt before you headed back downstairs. 

 

“y/n, can you come here for a sec?” your mom called from the kitchen. “i want to talk to you.”

 

you sighed quietly and rolled your eyes as you headed toward the kitchen. you already knew what this conversation was going to be about. 

 

when you entered the kitchen, you found your mom sitting down at the kitchen table. she waved you over and you slid into the seat across from her. 

 

“i wanted to apologize to you,” she said, surprising the hell out of you.

 

you figured that she had called you to the kitchen to lecture you.

 

“for what?” you asked, your brows furrowing in confusion.

 

“look, i know that you never had an example of what a healthy, loving relationship looks like when you were growing up because of your father and i. i know how important that can be for a child,” she explained as she took your hands in hers. “i’m so sorry for that and i always will be.”

 

“mom, you don’t have to apologize for that. it’s not your fault that dad didn’t want to stick around. if anyone should be apologizing to me, it’s him, not you.”

 

your mom frowned and gave your hands a squeeze. “i do have to apologize, honey. i didn’t realize just how much our split affected you. with everything that’s gone on in these past few days, i’ve realized something about you; you’re afraid of forming romantic relationships. and i think a big part of that is because the relationship between your father and i didn’t work out. and that’s not fair to you at all. you’re going to miss out on so much with that mindset.”

 

“i am not afraid of that!” you argued as you snatched your hands away from her. “just because i don’t want to tell sweet pea how i feel about him doesn’t mean i have some weird intimacy issues because dad left. don’t try to psychoanalyze me, mom.”

 

“i’m not trying to psychoanalyze you. but, honey, you are afraid and not just because admitting your feelings for someone can be nerve-wrecking.”

 

you crossed your arms over your chest and glared at her.

 

“obviously, i’m no expert on what true love is. but when i look at you and pea, i think you guys have a damn good chance of being the poster kids for it,” she admitted. “you two have been through so much together and you’ve seen the other at their worst and still stayed by each other’s side. that’s one of the biggest hurdles in a relationship and you guys have already been there and done that. the love between you two is so great and i just don’t want to see you throw it away.”

 

you remained silent, but you lowered your narrowed eyes from her face, to the table in front of you.

 

she stood from her chair and came around the table to place a kiss on your forehead. “i love you and i just want you to be happy, sweetie,” she murmured. “i really believe that you have a great chance of being happy with sweet pea. but that’s up to you to decide.”

 

she left the kitchen and headed to the upper level of the house. 

 

you stayed at the kitchen table, pissed off because you knew that your mom was right. 

 

before, you could write your fear of romantic relationships off as normal. people broke up with their boyfriends and girlfriends all of the time without it being a problem, so you didn’t see why your breakups had to be any different. sure, you purposely pushed your perfectly nice boyfriends away because they tried to get to know you on a deeper level, but that didn’t mean you had any unresolved issues with meaningful relationships because your dad left you when you were young. or, at least that’s what you told yourself. 

 

for a long time, in the back of your mind, you had known that your non-existent relationship with your dad had an impact on you. you tried to bury it down and you thought you had been doing a good job of it. but the whole situation with sweet pea brought those issues to the surface and you didn’t think that you could brush the issues aside any longer. 

 

“fuck,” you whispered as you picked up your phone to make a call. 

 

\----

 

you heard the rumble of sweet pea’s motorcycle before you saw it. you watched from your perch on the playground swing as he pulled into the elementary school’s parking lot. he rose from the bike, removed his helmet, and ran his fingers through his hair before making his way toward the playground where you had agreed to meet. without a word, he plopped down onto the swing next to you and started to rock back and forth. the two of you swung in silence for a few minutes until you finally broke the silence, not able to take it any longer. 

 

“hi,” you greeted, your voice barely above a whisper. 

 

sweet pea grunted in response. 

 

you bit down on your bottom lip as you stared at him out of the corner of your eye. you had so much to say to him, but you didn’t know where to start. 

 

“can you stop biting down on your lip like that?” he grumbled after a couple more minutes of neither of you speaking. “i’m trying to be mad at you and i can’t if you keep doing that.”

 

your eyes widened and a blush spread across your cheeks. “sorry,” you mumbled as you began to bite down on your thumbnail instead. 

 

several more minutes of silence stretched out between you two until you finally mustered up the nerve to tell sweet pea the truth.

 

“i love you, sweets,” you admitted as you stared ahead at the playground. “i’m crazy about you. but i know that i fucked up majorly. i haven’t been fair to you at all these past few weeks. instead of just talking to you about it, i did what i’ve always done with all of my other boyfriends, and i pushed you away. and you deserve way better than that because you’re way more than some silly high school boyfriend to me. you’re my best friend, my confidant, and my favorite person, but i haven’t been treating you that way lately. i’m so sorry.”

 

sweet pea didn’t say anything for a long time. after a couple minutes of silence, he pulled his switchblade out of his pocket and started fiddling with it, a nervous habit of his. 

 

your heart pounded in your chest as you waited for him to say something, anything in response to your confession. maybe you really had messed everything up and he decided that you were more trouble than you were worth. maybe he just didn’t know how to let you down easy.

 

“dammit!” he yelled suddenly, jumping up from the swing and storming off.

 

your mouth dropped open as you watched him walk away from you. 

 

your shock quickly turned into anger. you may have messed up, but you thought you deserved more than him stomping off without an explanation.

 

“hey!” you called as you ran after him. “you can’t just walk away from me. not again!”

 

sweet pea stopped in his tracks and whipped back around, frustration written all over his face. “this is exactly why this is never going to work! you’re always going to be worried that i’m going to walk away, so you’re going to pick fights,” he shouted. 

 

“wow, nice, pea, thanks,” you bit out sarcastically. “i’m so sorry that my abandonment issues are too much for  _ you _ to deal with. because they’re just a walk in the fucking park for me.”

 

the grimace on sweet pea’s face softened the slightest bit. “that’s not...i’m sorry. that came out wrong. i meant that your response to anyone who’s dating you trying to get close to you is to push them away. i get that your issues aren’t something that you can just get rid of overnight, but can you be sure that you’ll actually be able to get rid of them? because i’m not sure it’s going to work out if you can’t,” he explained. 

 

“you sound like such a dick right now.” you laughed humorlessly as you tried to make sense of the crap coming out of your best friend’s mouth. “again, i’m sorry that my issues aren’t something that i can just fold up and pack away in a box. i can’t be sure that i’m going to be able to get rid of them. they very well could be something that i’m stuck with for the rest of my life, but i’m willing to try for you. i could never say that about any of my old boyfriends. but because it’s  _ you _ , i’m willing to try to work through those problems so that i can have a shot at a relationship with you. but maybe i shouldn’t even bother because you’re being such an asshole about it. you know what, forget i called you here today. forget i said that i love you. i take it back, i don’t.”

 

you pushed past sweet pea and headed toward the exit of the playground. you made it about halfway there before sweet pea’s voice stopped you.

 

“i love you too. and it scares the shit out of me,” he confessed, his normally steady voice wavering a bit. “i’m scared that we’re going to fight all of the time and you’re going to be in and out of my life because of that. you’ve been a constant in my life for as long as i can remember and i’m so fucking terrified of not having that anymore.”

 

and then it hit you that, while you had deep-seated issues caused by your father to deal with, sweet pea had his own issues to deal with as well.

 

people had dipped in and out of sweet pea’s world for his whole life. he was used to people entering and exiting his life at the drop of a hat, some wrecking havoc before leaving him behind to clean up the pieces. he always appeared to take it in stride, but you could see now that it had taken a toll on him.

 

you turned and strode back to where sweet pea stood. “i’m sorry. i was being really self-centered and didn’t think about how my problems might affect you. that was a dick move,” you apologized. “and i take back what i just took back. i do love you. so much. it was shitty to say that i don’t because i got mad. that was another dick move. i’m sorry i’ve been such an asshole lately.”

 

you bit down on your bottom lip as you stared up at sweet pea, waiting for him to say something in response. 

 

“you’re doing that on purpose so that i won’t stay mad at you, aren’t you?” he asked, gesturing toward your mouth.

 

“maybe...”

 

he rolled his eyes, but the corners of his mouth turned upward in the smallest of smiles. “okay, okay, it worked,” he mumbled. “i’m sorry for being an asshole too. i shouldn’t have thrown your abandonment issues in your face like that. that was messed up.”

 

a couple beats of silence passed between the two of you. but then, sweet pea finally asked the question that had been on both of your minds.

 

“so...now what?” 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> please let me know what you thought in the comments!


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